2.10.21
Well, I've made it to my final week in America (for now).
I certainly did not expect to feel so overwhelmed about being so close to what I have known was coming for months now.
Every kind of emotion has run its way through my mind this week as time ticks closer and closer to departure.
I guess all it takes to get the feelings flowing is moving internationally in the middle of a pandemic.
The imminence of the approaching unknown has shaken me up more than I'd care to fully admit over the past few days. Any large change like this usually manifests a sense of being unsettled throughout my mind and body. Tension passes in every synapse. Or at least, I imagine it does.
2.13.21
I continue this stream of thought as I sit in the Frankfurt airport with a 5 hour layover and no gate assignment as of yet. Hours of packing later - I had quite a time trying to fit a year-long move into one suitcase - my bag is checked and the hard work is out of sight, out of my responsibility (for now, at least).
"You are required to wear a facemask in the terminal" comes over the loudspeaker ever 10 minutes it seems. Faint conversations in foreign languages, some of which I recognize, carry on around me. Brilliant sunlight streams through wall-sized windows. It is 8 AM. Really 2 AM my time, but I am trying to adjust as soon as I can. An investment in espresso is inevitable.
I am completely at peace now, a large contrast from the unnerving stress I felt 48 hours ago. A few things have made that difference.
I have two of my three flights down, which means not many steps are left until I am settled.
I have hours of time until departure, a comfortable buffer which exceeds the 30 minutes I had to get to my second flight yesterday.
really the most prominent reason - prayer. I don't think I've ever been so absolutely covered in it. I am realizing now that this covering is a result, not an isolated act of faith.
An elaboration on that last thought:
A few weeks ago, I watched a sermon called "Don't Give Up" given by Craig Groeschel, the main point of which seems to now constantly connect to aspects of my life so clearly. In a quick summary, he noted three rules of life which are always true:
You reap what you sow.
You reap more than you sow.
You reap after you sow.
Of course, the examples of this are endless, especially biblically. But it works both ways - in negative and positive reaping. What I am doing with today will come out in the future, it will multiply, and it will be cut from the same cloth that I put forth.
This has absolutely drawn my attention to what God does with our decisions, despite how small they seem to us.
Part of my preparation to leave has, of course, been saying goodbyes to close friends and family. I did not expect these final moments to consist of such strong faith. Almost every final gathering I had still resonates with me because of the prayer that occurred. With my own parents, my boyfriend and his parents, very dear friends of ours, and our church community.
So much conscientious thought and prayer has been poured out over my travels and time abroad. This has had a profound impact - physically and mentally - on my experience so far.
I am seeing now that the connections I have made with other people over the past month, year, and beyond - and the way we interact - has led up to my present moments.
For example, I started attending a community group a few months ago with some friends studying the book of Jude. Starting out, I knew only about half of the group members. But now, months later, I have made wonderful friends with whom I have shared incredible conversations with about living out our faith and understanding the Word of God. These friendships and conversations have grown me immensely, but that growth all started with the smallest seeds of my first meeting with them. And sitting through those initial moments of getting to know people led me to become more and more comfortable with sharing my own heart with the group, as well as leaning into supporting the members there.
This culminated in my last meeting with the group before leaving for Italy, when I encountered the blessing of being prayed for in agreement by the group for my next steps. The absolute love and support I felt meant so much. It gave me strength to move forward. That would have never happened if the first seeds had not been sowed, watered, and continually cared for.
I bring attention to all of this because "walking in faith" seemed like such an abstract idea to me for much of my life. Try to live the way the bible says, trust what is unseen - but what can I concretely do?
This sermon I have referenced, along with recent experiences, have given me a better understanding.
It is not one large action of our own that moves our feet in faith, but the small things that add up. And these small, concrete actions demonstrate faith. It is trusting that the seeds we plant are enough for God to work with, that He works beyond what we comprehend. Sometimes the easiest way for me to see God at work is to look back at how He has brought things that have passed to build me up for a present challenge. There is no way for me to know how my actions today will impact the future. But, I can choose to invest my time in things that matter to the Lord. And doing so continually, because repetition adds up the most. Would you rather have a penny that doubles every day, or once a year? I will not see the result tomorrow, or likely anytime soon. And I do not do these things in wait for the harvest; I have faith that God will work through today in His perfect timing. But wouldn't I rather contribute to blessing rather than devastation? Because what I do will certainly have impacts beyond myself (Deuteronomy 23:3-6; Hebrews 11:8-12).
This has become so clear because of the immense support I received this past week. That support did not come out of nowhere. I did not receive it because I am a good person, or I deserve well wishes. No, it is a blessing that came out of relationships sown in the Holy Spirit. It surprised me because I was overwhelmed with goodness. But, upon closer inspection, that goodness had its roots.
What a wonderful thing, that the smallest things we do as humans can be multiplied so well.
Thank you God that you are settled when I feel completely unsettled. Thank you that you are so clear with us, and so understanding at the same time. Thank you that you put things into perspective at just the right moments.
*A verse to meditate on: Hebrews 11:1